Joey Kurtschenko is Crazy Elf in the same way that Eric is Bananaman. He and Ben Pobjie are (in Wordplay’s consensus opinion) the best fusers of spoken word and comedy going around. Crazy Elf can reduce an audience to tears, sometimes from laughter and sometimes from fear. He also usually the guy who has people leaving shows saying “I didn’t know poetry was funny.” He particularly enjoys the topic of Jesus. And of Samurai.
Crazy Elf has performed across the world, and in order to represent his travels, when he’s actually wearing clothing he dresses in a fashion that has been described as pirate-like behind his back. Never to his face, though, as he’s more than capable of tearing people’s limbs off their bodies with his bare hands. He runs the cleverly-titled The Slam! which is a regular monthly poetry slam in Melbourne that involves people getting attacked by a ninja if they go over three minutes on stage, and people getting scored negative infinity by a relentlessly brutal audience. He’s performed at the Green Mill in Chicago, the Bowery Poetry Club in New York, some places throughout Europe that you probably don’t know about because you can’t speak Dutch or French (but if you do speak French, stop hiding, the war’s over), and he’s constantly roving the east coast of Australia because they’re the ones that actually pay him money. He’s known as the most offensive thing to ever grace the stage at the Woodford Folk Festival, is a constant point of national shame due to his inclusions in podcasts from the USA, and gets published from time to time in things that he forgets about. He’s been in GDS, Noiseworks, and academic journals on law reform. If you see him live you can usually purchase CDs from him.
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Harder
It takes a long time to break down a wall with your fists
Use something harder
To break things you must always use something harder
Than the thing you’re trying to break
To crack a nut
Use a hammer
To chop wood
Use an axe
To break a baby
Use a teenager
Always use something harder
If you don’t use something harder
It will take too long
Explaining to a boyfriend that a relationship isn’t working
Could take weeks
Telling him you’ve found a harder dick
Will be instantaneous
Use something harder
The same goes for girlfriends
Explaining that you’ve found another woman
Could take weeks
Explaining that you’ve found a man
Will be instantaneous
Use something harder
Diamonds are harder
Than shitty love poems
Tanks are harder
Than human rights
Engineering degrees are harder
Than Arts degrees
Use something harder
The Great Wall of China still exists
Because it’s hard
Heroine is still on the streets
Because it’s hard
The Rubik Cube is still around
Because it’s hard
Use something harder